|Wednesday, June 25th, 2008|
Ok Boy & Girl (u2 are the only fuckers that read this)
Im here in BC, ive had 2 induction days 1 for all the new recruits and the other for just the international 1's!
The course is what i want to do, i mean a career in the games industry is what i want!
The only problem i have is i have a week b4 the course starts and i am completely alone out here. I always enjoyed my own company i didn't need anybody for company but now i feel different. At this moment i crave some1 to talk to - a friend.
I met my class mates there's about 12 in total, but as everyone in my class was sowing the first seeds of friendship i just felt like an outsider............i cant communicate with people on an easy level, it seems as though i have a big sign hanging over me that reads "Back Off Mother Fucker." Ive changed i know it, i remember when i used to be easy going but now its an effort to get out of bed and i cant wait to get back into bed in the night, darkness cant come quick enough most days.
I want to be one of these people that gets excited about things but i havent got excited about anything in the last 2 years, each day has just blended into the next its all sort of monotous crap every day the only time i really feel at peace is when my head hits that pillow. Im realising now that ive lost something of myself and the result is im not fun to be around.......i was fun to be around why am i not now?
I wish i had some passion in me, something i cared about but i dont, i couldnt really give a shit about anything and i really mean that, nothing lights my fire period. Thats been the case for a long time even before ive had girlfriends, its sort of been that way since i left school. Looking back ive always been Mr Monotonous.
anyway im gonna watch a film coz if i wright anymore ill want to end it, coz reading back over this shit it sounds as though im depressed but im not im just stuck on that road ive always been on a flat straight 1!
|Monday, March 17th, 2008|
|D - My Monster!
Ok, well im bored today and have been for mostly the past week........coz ive had it off from work! Its always the same...i was so excited to be having time off work but when it actually came what did i do? ill tell ya a BIG FUCK ALL apart from be bored and wish i didn't have to go back to work........god i fucking hate it.
This week has been strange though:
Ive started dreaming about D - My Monster or should i say my ex girlfriend again. Ill call her D or My Monster because i cant write her name because it could ruin her life if it was found out that we had a relationship! (in a nut shell she's Indian)
Maybe ive had too much time to think this week, i still think of her nearly every day even though its been 4 nearly 5 years. I cant get her out of my head or my heart and i know what your thinking you big pussy get over it, thats exactly what i would say to my friends or anybody writing this. But this girl what can i say........she was perfection, the one i wanted to marry and spend the rest of my life with!
To have some one stand in front of you as broken and shattered as you are and them tell you that they love you but they have to go and you know the reason why because of fucked up bullshit religion. This isnt a rant on religion everyone's got their thing..........
I guess im just feeling really insecure right now. I am hopefully going to Vancouver (things are still a little up in the air on that 1) but it seems that maybe i am moving on with life even though its taken all this time and i still dont feel as if im ready or even that i want too. Current Mood: melancholy
|Saturday, March 8th, 2008|
|The Devils best mate returns to LJ!!!!!!!!!!
Hello LJ, has been a long time!
Well a lot has changed since i last wrote anything on here, where should i start????
College........i passed and graduated along with the dark lord himself (who was gonna quit, but didn't) and a few good mates i met along the way, who included in "my gang" James a real star and a funny guy who i had a troubled friendship with but remain friends with to this day although were not as close as we once were! Dan, i thought he was a good guy, bit thick & dumb but good none the less, but you always meet some guys whose life is run by their dick, and i should have known that he was a completely fucking shady wanker when he started messing with his mates bird, it didn't surprise me when i realized i couldn't trust him.......so i fucked him off into the abyss!!!!!
Thanks to Confetti who made it possible for mine and maffews (the devil) paths to cross and we had a fucking great year living together and getting up to mischief. I will never forget attaching a ransom note to a potato with a knife, its a long story and probably one that only we will ever find that amusing it can reduce us to tears of laughter even nearly three years after it happened! Maffew is a great guy and a friend i hope and prey will always be in my life even if its just at the end of a telephone!!!!!
Oh yeah Holly, she was fucked.........a completely damaged human being who had issues, but no one could ever get close to her to help........i think thats what attracted me (apart from the fact she was quite fit), i was damaged goods at that point as well and all i really wanted to do was get high and smoke myself to death, and she was just there for the cheap ride......she followed the drugs wherever they were and wherever they were being paid for by others!
Ill give one big thank you to Connie for leading me away from Holly but thats the only fucka she will get! She kinda saved me at that point and she was what i needed i suppose. But Connie was also damaged goods.
We met through the Cookie Club where we worked together and the friendship was kinda instant. You could tell we were kindred spirits.....both of us said it how what was, we loved to take the piss and together we could rip anybody apart. we should have know it was never gonna work for long because right from the start things were wrong........in the early days i would call her Holly by mistake and would make plans with her and then make plans with my mates who always took precedence, until one night when she came back from work and i was out my head and she found out that i had re-arranged my friday night that was going to be spent with her to spend it getting hammered with yep you guessed it my mates, she chastised me in the kitchen to the point were i threw a whitey! Fun times.......
After college had finished we moved into together, big mistake! The game we had always been playing of whose best & who will win overall just intensified, it was suffocating but with out being big headed which im not i am just confident, She was never any match for me! I am superior in every single way and to be honest i am to good at playing games. There was only one other person who i will hold my hands up and say she is far superior to me and thats Holly, but she is mental so does that count? Connie finally threw in the towel and threw me out so i returned back to Ashby.
Since then i have been working at East Midlands Airport and saving money in order to do a course in Vancouver,
I fly out there in april.
So from now on i will be using this to let u know how im doing and to vent me anger and frustrations!
I will keep you posted........ Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, March 15th, 2006|
|Not all bad then!
Current Mood: amused
|You Are 56% Evil|
You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.
|Wednesday, March 1st, 2006|
| The Archangel|
You have been judged! You scored 61!
| Although not totally pure, your bad traits are probably used for a greater good, like the warrior angels from which you are named. You are willing to get your hands dirty to help others, although you may have a vice or two as well. As long as you stay true to your morals, you can avoid slipping into the darkness. Unless you wish to. |
Current Mood: amused
| My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
|You scored higher than 43% on Judgepoints|
|Friday, February 24th, 2006|
|Pretty much sums me up!
| the Romantic|
| you chose BY - your Enneagram type is FOUR.|
"I am unique"
Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.
How to Get Along with Me
- Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
- Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value
- Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
- Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy,
I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
- Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!
What I Like About Being a Four
- my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep
- my ability to establish warm connections with people
- admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
- my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
- being unique and being seen as unique by others
- having aesthetic sensibilities
- being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me
What's Hard About Being a Four
- experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
- feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
- feeling guilty when I disappoint people
- feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
- expecting too much from myself and life
- fearing being abandoned
- obsessing over resentments
- longing for what I don't have
Fours as Children Often
- have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in
- are very sensitive
- feel that they don't fit in
- believe they are missing something that other people have
- attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
- become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
- feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents'
Fours as Parents
- help their children become who they really are
- support their children's creativity and originality
- are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
- are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
- are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
Renee Baron & Elizabeth Wagele
The Enneagram Made Easy
Discover the 9 Types of People
HarperSanFrancisco, 1994, 161 pages
You are not completely happy with the result?!
You chose BY
Would you rather have chosen:
| My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
|You scored higher than 25% on ABC|
|You scored higher than 52% on XYZ|
Cheers Marsdreamer! Current Mood: lethargic
|Saturday, February 18th, 2006|
|Sunday, February 5th, 2006|
|Hard Work 4 Two weeks!
Well I plan to do two weeks of hard core work to get my HND back on track!
Other than that theres not much to tell about my mad and exciting life!!!
So wish me luck coz i know im going to need it! Current Mood: I hope things improve
|Friday, January 27th, 2006|
Well another day and its the same as all the rest! As usual i have no motivation and shit loads of work to do!
I just cant be fucked! Current Mood: Work fuckin work!!
|Wednesday, January 18th, 2006|
|Why in the fuck do we do this to ourselves!
So my question is:
Why do we do this to ourselves, i mean i know going to uni or college is the way to get on in life but it is such a bastard of a time. Doin assignments and crap just so we can get a "good job" for our future! but why the hell do we (I) leave it to the last minute always! By the time i hand it in and read it back i just think what the FUCK! im never going to pass this because its shit, i dont even understand it any way.
Im doin this assignment on synchronisation and its just a ball ache & i dont understand it! Oh well just have to do the usual and BLAG it! Current Mood: my god!
|Saturday, January 7th, 2006|
|back in Notts.
Christmas wasnt to bad but it wasnt that great either! Got some cool cds, loads of chocolate & shit loads of smellies so i think my family are trying to tell me something! :)
So i came back to the flat last night and had an ok evening getting pissed with this girl who lives here! She is really cool and to my sheer delight have found out that she likes weed as much as i do! She also likes doing quizzes and i found this out by doing shit loads with her just before Christmas while we were stoned (which was nice).
With a bit of luck she is going to sort some out 2night like she said she would and im going to cook her dinner, coz she cooked me dinner last night at about 12:30.
Big thanx must go to marsdreamer who has a great Psi Q test so check it out: http://www.psi-q.com/
it is quite good!
Well thats enough of my ramblings, i have wasted another hour which i should have been doing work in but thats the way it goes, dont we all know! Current Mood: tired
|Wednesday, December 21st, 2005|
|Going home for Christmas!!!!!
Well Christmas is almost upon us!!!!!!!!
Ive got all my presents - god! online shoppin was a wonderful idea! it just takes all the hassle of going round all the shops and being slowed down by the regular shity people who just get in your way.
Well I think im going back to Ashby 2moro or i might put it off till friday! dunno, maybe i should just get it over and done with! it wont be that bad, will it?
Not much to tell about my mad & excitin life! (Ha). The only exciting thing to have happend is i finaly finished my bastard assignment and handed it in! 2 celebrate i managed to get some weed so me & matt got stoned (me more than him though!) god it hit me hard, but it was all good, i slept well!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2day ive got 2 record some impulse responses so i can create my own reverb in order 2 do? yep u guessed it another assignment!
Well have a good Christmas everyone and im sure ill see you in the new-year! Current Mood: Cant be bothered
|Monday, December 19th, 2005|
|Ask if you want!
Got this from this really cool lj & i asked mine so i have to let you ask yours!
I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions. Any 3, no matter how personal, dirty, private, or random. I have to answer them honestly. In turn, you have to post this message in your own journal and you have to answer the questions that are asked to you.
So ask if you want. Current Mood: the same as 10 mins ago.
|Cool! I like it.
You reflect the mystery of the spirit. A soul is a
very mysterious thing and you have proven thise
to us. This mysterious quality probably means
that you know more about your spirit than most
people know about their own, and you keep this
a well kept sercret, for there are just some
things that mustn't be known. Please
rate high ;-) Reflections of the Spirit? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: im ok!
|Sunday, December 18th, 2005|
1. NIN - Only
2. Brides of Destruction - Dont Care
3. Nightbreed - Pack of Wolves
4. Damian Marley - Hey Girl
5. Unkle feat. Ian Brown - Be There
6. M.I.A - Bucky Done Gun
7. SlipKnot - Wait & Bleed
Fuck that was hard! Current Mood: working
|Shouting 2 LOUD!!!!!!
I was going to really shout at the devil, but i should have guessed that he lives next door in room 8!
Why am i not surprised.......................
Today has been 1 mission: to make a massive dent in this fuckin assignment but as usual ive just chipped at it. Oh well its 4:15 and just a bit more 2 do till i call it a night. Current Mood: working
|Saturday, December 17th, 2005|
|i allways knew it.
You are the Hermit card. The Hermit has chosen a
solitary spiritual path. He shines light on his
inner self and, by this means, gains wisdom.
The Hermit's home is the natural world and it
is by being in tune with that world that he
learns the laws of nature and learn how they
operate within himself. His path is a lonely
one as he lives in silence and has for
companionship only his own internal rhythms.
But those crossing his path are touched by his
light and wisdom. Though often alone, he
manages nevertheless to instruct those who meet
him and guides those who chose to follow him on
a path towards enlightenment. Image from The
Aleister Crowley Tarot deck.http://www.aeclectic.net/tarot/thoth/ Which Tarot Card Are You? brought to you by Quizilla Current Mood: My friends the Devil
Well today has been much the same as all the rest. I think that im on a bit of a downward spiral, i know this because last week i was feeling quite happy with things but as always there is a quiet before the storm. I think that storm is reaching my shores and over the Christmas period it will batter me in ways that i can imagine but am to scared to think about if that makes sense.
I suppose the only way to get through this difficult time is to stand there and face it, but am i man enough too or as usual will i just seek solice in the people around me like i try to do most days.
Maybe one day i will find happiness or maybe i will just find the courage to end it all so people do not have to put up with this feeble excuse for a human being i have become.......................... Current Mood: melancholy
|Friday, December 16th, 2005|
|Boredom & the feeling of Isolation.
well i surfaced!!!!
The lecture wasnt so bad i think i can do it! But man this has been one shit boring day, ive been working on this fucking assignment all day & my god is it boring!!!!!!!!!! Im sitting here bored as fuck and i know that this christmas is going to be bad. In fact my life has been pretty shitty since my ex split with me last christmas because she is going to have an arranged marriage to some guy that shes only met a few times. Why is she doing that i hear you ask? well because her family would disown her if she didnt. That sucks for her and it has sucked for me ever since she said goodbye!
So here i am a shadow of my former self, someone i dont even want to see in the mirror. I moved out of home to get a fresh start but its the same boring shit day over & over again just with more time to sit & stare into the abyss of my fractured life. Current Mood: With life